I Have A LOT of Work To Do But Currently I’m Hunting A Woodpecker (With Bonus First Hunting Trip Story)

Today is my Friday.  It’s March Madness week and as is always the tradition, I’m taking off Thursday and Friday to binge watch 700 basketball games over the next 4 days.  True, that will be approximately 698 more basketball games than I’ve watched over the course of the entire season but that’s not the point.  The point is I have a woodpecker that is completely ruining my day and something has to be done. 

Quick little background info before the real backstory.  Last spring this same MF’ing Woodpecker pecked the ever living shit out of the side of my house.  I work from home when I’m not flying somewhere so this is troublesome for 2 reasons.  1 – I have holes in my house.  These little dudes just slamming their heads/beaks into my home for no reason other than their own enjoyment and to piss me off and 2 – I’m not a hunter.

Here’s the backstory on that…the 1st time I “went” hunting was a rush.  As all good decisions do, this started at the bar a couple days beforehand.  I was living in Wisconsin and after several $1 Miller Lite’s decided I needed to do as the Romans do and shoot a deer.  Here’s the thing, I had no idea what that entailed other than it was going to be SUPER cold.  My buddies inform me that I need a hunting license (nope) and a tag for the deer.

Image result for deer hunting

Sup?^^^

I head to Walmart because, why not?  They have everything.  Sure enough, there is a line a mile long in the sports section.  I must be at the right place.  As I stand behind several 300+ lb men (and a few women) wearing camo clothing it started to dawn on me how dumb of an idea this was.  Could I be more out of place?  Regardless, we press on.  I finally get up to the cash register after a half hour or so and a surly old man looks at me and quickly realizes he’s in for a treat.

Sternly he asks, “where’s your hunting licence?”  I reply, “I have one in Georgia and figured it would transfer over.  Oh also, I don’t have it with me.”  Just a small little lie.  Nothing to write home about but it gets the process moving.  Or so I thought.  Going from 0-100 on the annoyed scale this grandpa tries to shoo me away and yells out “next”.  Didn’t even say a word to me.  Not today, buddy.

I say, “look man, I just waited in line for a half an hour and all I need is one tag.  I’m not shooting 10 deer here.  I’m brand new to this.  I just need one.”

“You just need one?  And you’ve never had a hunting license in Wisconsin before?  Do you have your firearms permit?”

(I’m assuming that means something that allows me to carry a gun)  “No, I don’t have either of those things but I’m going with experienced hunters.  We are going to private land.  I just need one tag.”

Perplexed he sighed.  “Well….we do have this one program.”

“OK great, let’s do that”

“Well its for first time hunters, but usually they are 6-10 year old kids.”

“Perfect.  I don’t care buddy.  I’m short anyways so it could actually be perfect!”

Guy didn’t even crack a hint of a smile.  Not amused, he pushes a couple of buttons on the computer and reaches underneath the desk to grab a deer tag.

“Look,” he says “this is a child’s beginners tag.  You aren’t allowed to carry a gun and must be within arms length of an adult WITH a license to be able to use the gun.  It’s only one tag so IF you shoot a deer that’s the end of your day”

“OK, that’s a little degrading but I really appreciate you working with me on this.  How much is it?”  Keep in mind, deer tags are $100+, easy.

“$12.56”

“FUCK. YES.”

Now I’m amped.  Me and the boys are going hunting.  The plan is set.  Meet at my buddies house at 5am to get out nice and early.  Get in the blinds and sit and wait for the rush of taking down my first deer.

Some would say I was too amped.  Before I knew it I looked at the clock and it was 2am.  Shit, 2.5 hours of sleep would almost be worse than not sleeping so I’ll just stay up all night.

3:30am rolls around and I realize that 1 hour of sleep is actually better than no sleep and I was an idiot 90 minutes ago for not going to bed sooner.  No worries.  The alarm is set and my warmest snow suit is ready to rock.  One slight problem, I left my phone charging in the family room.  I slept in the bedroom.

8:30 am rolls around and I get out of bed in a panic.   I am far too rested for 1 hour so sleep.  Crap, what time is it?!   I got out to my phone too 10 missed calls and 50 text messages.  The boys hung on as long as they could.

God bless them for waiting but it just wasn’t meant to be.  At least it only cost me $13.

PS – Just googled how to kill a woodpecker and it turns out it’s illegal to do that so, whatever.

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